SurVision Magazine / Jon Wesick

Rick's Tequila

comes from fermented blue agave grown in Jalisco. When Aztecs harvested the century plant, they reimbursed pterodactyls for their loss of habitat with human sacrifice. They could have given the pterodactyls shots of tequila instead. But if you've ever seen a drunk pterodactyl, you'd know that's a bad idea. They insist they're fine to drive and won't let you call them a taxi.
Accidents weren't so serious back before Rudolph Diesel invented the internal combustion engine because you had to push your Fred Flintstone car with your feet and pterodactyls' feet were more suited to carrying off mastodons than driving. Even today, they can't get the hang of using a clutch. Anyway, they could have hitched up a team of donkeys like in Au Hasard Balthazar but the conquistadors hadn't imported them to the new world yet. Something about a missing customs form. Maybe guinea pigs would have worked but you'd need a lot of them.

Linda's Windmill Hot Pepper Sauce

The bottle contains no windmills, nor even a nuclear, gas, or coal-fired power plant. It could make a simple battery if punctured with a zinc anode and copper cathode. Has anybody told Elon Musk? A network of charging stations to fill Tesla's with hot sauce would be not only quicker than current technology but delicious as well. Of course, we'd need plenty of corn chips on hand to recycle the leftovers. Pairing charging stations with Mexican restaurants would solve this problem as well as bring in extra revenue.
If America is to move from fossil fuels to a hot-sauce economy, we must consider the national security implications. To prevent foreign countries from holding our energy future hostage, we can't depend on Louisiana and New Mexico alone. There are reasons to be optimistic. Already the Carolina Reaper tops out at over a million Scoville units and chilis can last for years when dried. Mandatory cultivation in backyard victory gardens as well as establishing a Strategic Chili Reserve will insulate our nation from the whims of cabals and tyrants.

Jon Wesick is a regional editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual. His poems appear in The Atlanta Review, Berkeley Fiction Review, I-70 Review, Lowestoft Chronicle, New Verse News, Paterson Literary Review, Pearl, Pirene's Fountain, Slipstream, Space and Time, and Underside Stories. His most recent collection of poetry is The Shaman in the Library (Human Error Publishing, 2022).

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An international online magazine that publishes Surrealist poetry in English. Issue Fourteen JON WESICK Rick's Tequila comes from fermented blue agave grown in Jalisco. When Aztecs harvested the century plant, they reimbursed pterodactyls for their loss of habitat with human sacrifice. They could have given the pterodactyls shots of tequila instead. But if you've ever seen a drunk pterodactyl, you'd know that's a bad idea. They insist they're fine to drive and won't let you call them a taxi. Accidents weren't so serious back before Rudolph Diesel invented the internal combustion engine because you had to push your Fred Flintstone car with your feet and pterodactyls' feet were more suited to carrying off mastodons than driving. Even today, they can't get the hang of using a clutch. Anyway, they could have hitched up a team of donkeys like in Au Hasard Balthazar but the conquistadors hadn't imported them to the new world yet. Something about a missing customs form. Maybe guinea pigs would have worked but you'd need a lot of them. Linda's Windmill Hot Pepper Sauce The bottle contains no windmills, nor even a nuclear, gas, or coal-fired power plant. It could make a simple battery if punctured with a zinc anode and copper cathode. Has anybody told Elon Musk? A network of charging stations to fill Tesla's with hot sauce would be not only quicker than current technology but delicious as well. Of course, we'd need plenty of corn chips on hand to recycle the leftovers. Pairing charging stations with Mexican restaurants would solve this problem as well as bring in extra revenue. If America is to move from fossil fuels to a hot-sauce economy, we must consider the national security implications. To prevent foreign countries from holding our energy future hostage, we can't depend on Louisiana and New Mexico alone. There are reasons to be optimistic. Already the Carolina Reaper tops out at over a million Scoville units and chilis can last for years when dried. Mandatory cultivation in backyard victory gardens as well as establishing a Strategic Chili Reserve will insulate our nation from the whims of cabals and tyrants. Jon Wesick is a regional editor of the San Diego Poetry Annual. His poems appear in The Atlanta Review, Berkeley Fiction Review, I-70 Review, Lowestoft Chronicle, New Verse News, Paterson Literary Review, Pearl, Pirene's Fountain, Slipstream, Space and Time, and Underside Stories. His most recent collection of poetry is The Shaman in the Library (Human Error Publishing, 2022).
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